July 24, 2008

Back To My Funk - Cancer Sucks!

Right when you think things are looking up! This is going to be a very blunt and emotional post and I apologize in advance. Just getting it off of my chest.

I HATE cancer! I just hate this crap for my mom. Just had a fun day with my girls. Oldest doing great with her swimming lessons, lunch with Papa and off to the library. We all cuddled up and took a nap and knew that my mom was on her way to the doctor to find out the "plan".

I should have stayed in bed! The cancer was too close to my mom's chest wall, so she has to have seven weeks of radiation, which of course none of us wanted for her. We were hoping that she would get to have just one week. But you know what, you should always count your blessings. Why was I so stupid to have such a negative attitude about seven weeks of radiation? SO WHAT! It's just radiation. It's a two minute exposer to some radiation. Why did I have to be so ungrateful in my mom's battle with this crap?

Now, because it was so close to her chest wall, she might have to have chemo! And yes, I said that four letter word after my dad told me. Now we are at a whole new level with this freakin' cancer. Mom will meet with the doctors next week to begin radiation and to discuss this new possibility. I HATE THIS FOR HER! I am so, so, so upset right now. I am pissed at the world.

I heard my mom say, "Now we're right back at the beginning". I tried to be positive, in fact I was very positive except for when I said the four letter word and my dad informed me that his cell phone volume was all of the way up and she heard me. I told her that we aren't starting all over. We know where we are and now we just have to do the next step. I don't know why I say "we" so much, because I am not the one with cancer. My mother is. But, being the amazing mother that she is, she is more concerned with how my father and I will take it.

Yesterday, she just started crying while we were on the phone. My dad was at the store and she said "I can't let go when he is here because he is already so upset that I just can't do it in front of him".

I still need your prayers please! It is the ONLY thing that is going to get us through this. Well, maybe a good stiff drink will be good right about now too.

Sorry to be so foul and blunt and ugly. I am just so pissed off right now at cancer. I am so mad, crushed, that my mom might have to have chemo and I just pray that won't be the case because I just don't know if her body can take it.

So, now, instead of praying for just one week of radiation in hopes that she wouldn't have to have seven, I am now praying for just seven and no chemo. I am really scared and just so freaked out right now! I feel like I am in some horrible movie or dream and I just want to wake up and have it over all ready.

And so here I am, on my blog, relaying my story to some people that have actually become very good and supportive friends. Thanks!

If you are reading this, it is for a reason. Early detection is key! Go check your breasts now and if you haven't had a mammogram then get one. I am an A cup on a swollen day and dumb to think that I didn't need to have a mammogram. It's no biggy and can save your life. My mom has mammograms every year and at her last one they found something that wasn't there the year before. If she had waited or not taken care of it, well, you can imagine.

Thanks for letting me vent.



Kathy said...

Oh Rhonda~
I am so upset for you. I have chills reading your post. I am so very sorry that this has turned into more than you all expected. Try to remember, everything happens for a reason...Just be there for your mom and dad, and keep praying! What until you know for sure, one day at a time and all of that. Please know I am here for you any time at all, email me, call me whatever you need. I also pray that you will find the strength you need to get through these difficult days.
Much love and good wishes sent your way...

My Crafty Little Page said...

Oh Rhonda, I soo feel for you. I've been where you are. She'll be so tired from the radiation but probably no nausea. Do you know the stage? As always you are in my prayers. Love, Nancy

miss magpie-pixie said...

Rhonda my sweet ,
I know this was not what you all were expecting - i was so sad to read it - and could sense your anger and frustration .
It must be real hard for your mom to stay strong in front of your dad - they`ll be so scared to let each other see some of their feelings about this , but in time they may have to let go and show them .They`ve been together so long - no doubt they know each other too well - i`m sure .
i`m thinking and praying that she just needs radiation - and blast the thing to hell - and hear no more from it !!

You`re all in my thoughts - even more so ...


T=ME said...

Loads of prayer for your family. We have a love one going through chemo and rad. for a brain tumor....she is only 34. I don't know if you know this but they have chemo treatments in oral pill form now. Your Mom sounds strong and with prayers and your support she is rounding the bend! Hugs, Terri